Oh My God, What have i done? I feel pathetic & disgusting. Not because someone else has done something to me but just the mere thought of how foolish i can be is making me feel terrible. You might be thinking what is this gal talking about. I gave my personal mobile number to a complete stranger. Can you believe it.? Yes, i did it. Most of you will be thinking whats so terrible about it. But how many of us think about the consequences that alone can cause. A girl like me in a new city with weird rules cannot make such stupid mistake. Because the fear i am feeling now is inexpressable. Though i have my husband staying with me, i feel this terrible fear because anything can happen in this world. My husband goes for work early in the morning & comes back by noon. I have his company for the rest of the day. So i shouldnt be that worried.
I was so scared that my hands started shaking when i heard the calling bell. Most of the time it will be people i know. I was having my lunch alone when i heard two bells. I ran to open the door because it was the much awaited call. We were waiting for the internet connection to come through for the past few days. My husband called me today & said that they are coming to fix it today and i should manage it. So i knew it & opened the doors. Two guys were there, one was the assistant. The main guy asked for permission to come in & apologized for disturbing me at this time. I said it was ok becuase its our need to get the connection fast. Guy asked me if i was a malayali. I said yes & he asked me if i could switch on the a/c. I feel chill when i put that on for more than 5 mins. So i shut it down the moment heat comes down. Thats why it was not on. He asked me if somebody came previously to check this.I said a guy came 2 weeks prior & we complained & nothing happend. He checked few things & told me the problem is still there & he will fix it in 2 days. And he asked for my number. I said i will give my husband's number. Then he asked me dont you have your number. Meanwhile i was grabbing my mobile to get my husband's number. Since he asked twice i gave my number, i will call it 'the moment of utter foolishness'. But i didnt feel bad at that time. He said he will call once its fixed today itself. All of a sudden he wanted to shake my hands. I was thinking how can i give my hands. Finally i shook my hands and he smiled. And then i realised something somewhere is wrong & that i shouldnt have given my number and i shouldnt have hand shaked. During situations like this i convince myself saying what happend is already gone, you cant change it. You can prevent things getting worse.
The guy called after two hours & i was shivering when he said he is coming over again to connect the internet. I had no balance to call my husband. This time the tube light in my head starting working. Our friends were staying opposite to our door & i called them home for tea. They came & i told them what has happend & they promised to stay with me until that guy has gone. Finally I was relieved. The bell rang after few minutes. My friend opened the door. I was in the kitchen making tea. So i couldnt see the guys reaction. Somehow it was going smoothly & silently. Then the bell rang again. I went to open it. I was so happy to see the person in front of the door, my husband reached finally. With lot of people around & with my husband the guy had hardly anything to say & he left after connecting our connection with the world. And i decided not to answer unknown numbers & i decided i will say NO whereever its needed.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Life in a heated city
The day has dawned, the much awaited day...to leave friends and family to meet my love..had to wake up early since i had to go to temple...Like most of us around, for me getting up early in the morning is like killing myself. But today i didnt feel bad, i was as excited as a kid. Thankfully all the temples were closeby where i am staying so it went smooth. By the time i reached home everyone was waiting for me. They were all busily eating breakfast so that they can send me off at the right time. Had tea from cousin's cup & i dont remember what i ate. Finished the final packing, had to leave my favourite dresses behind & many other valuables, i mean my books & other stuffs. No choice since u can carry only 30kgs & i was worried if i had crossed that too.
Elders got into one car & me with cousins. I was too tensed coz it was the first international flight which i was going to catch, though i had all the docs with me ready. I believe nervousness is part & parcel of my life. After the nervousness when everything settles down, the peace you get is like one hell of a feeling. To understand it you have to go through it & that is gifted for a person like me, not everyone gets it. I will come back to the seeing off sight now, i felt happy and sad together.Being with cousins & parents is a different feeling, when you are away from them only you realise how precious they are and how each one of them adds the warmth to your life. I hugged them all except one person who was no where near the sight, i was looking for the person & then i got busy with my baggage. But i saw the person who was running towards the barrier which separated us & he hugged me. I felt really happy coz i never expected it, people amaze me all the time. The silly fights were going to end and the tiny moments we had together were going to be memory coz who knows where i will be & where they will be when we come back. I am sure everyone gets busy when they are responsible and when they have so many things to settle in life. But we have to find time for everything, even to think about those moments you need time. I waved to all of them & saw their last glimpse. The next moment it was all erased, coz i was going after the visa collection & what not at the airport.
By the way to tell u about the journey, it was hardly for 4hrs but it felt like ages. I havent felt that much bored in my life. None to talk to, since all strangers & how can you believe anyone in this world. If you talk to someone or get acquainted you never know that person might turn out to be the most wanted criminal. Thinking of it, i have a friend who was travelling by bus to attend our mutual friend' s marriage. He had a stranger guy sitting next to him & they talked for a while. Next week my friend saw the newspaper & that stranger turned out to be a drug dealer caught by the police. That story was there in the back of my mind, so i was staring into the depths of the sky and the distance. Finally i reached the hot land, thats how i would like to call this place. When i landed the crew said its 44degree celsius, i wanted to go back. The heat would make yourself crazy even during 8'o clock in the night. Thats nt worse, the highest is yet to come. You have to fit an A/C to your body while you go out otherwise you will be fried. I am a person who hates extreme heat & extreme cold. Not because i wanted to love it, but my body hates it. I hope i can adjust to it.
Its been one month since i landed here. And havent even started job search. You might think i am a lazy goose. Indeed i am, but this time its not my fault. Can you believe we havent got interenet connection till now. How can i apply for jobs? You tell me. Its true that i am nt going out & searching. Thats like not knocking the door & telling them that you are coming. Who would accept it, i always wonder maybe lucky ones or high profile geniuses might get through like that. I think its worth to take rest now & then search for jobs having been worked for almost 5yrs without any break. Dont you think that is sensible? Who knows what might be awaiting you. I am giving a shot of wait and watch theory. We will see how far i will succeed. Without a job you cant sustain here with the expenses increasing & moreover i want to help paying off our debts.
Leaving those things behind, on a personal front i have been thinking different lately. Like giving importance to the family, my strength & my weaknesses & i am trying to improve on almost everything which i feel negative. I wonder if people get time to think about these things. But to tell you, its really nice to know yourself better & that will help you find a balance in your life. Hope you all will try it too, it wont cost anything. Just think & smile of what you have done.
Elders got into one car & me with cousins. I was too tensed coz it was the first international flight which i was going to catch, though i had all the docs with me ready. I believe nervousness is part & parcel of my life. After the nervousness when everything settles down, the peace you get is like one hell of a feeling. To understand it you have to go through it & that is gifted for a person like me, not everyone gets it. I will come back to the seeing off sight now, i felt happy and sad together.Being with cousins & parents is a different feeling, when you are away from them only you realise how precious they are and how each one of them adds the warmth to your life. I hugged them all except one person who was no where near the sight, i was looking for the person & then i got busy with my baggage. But i saw the person who was running towards the barrier which separated us & he hugged me. I felt really happy coz i never expected it, people amaze me all the time. The silly fights were going to end and the tiny moments we had together were going to be memory coz who knows where i will be & where they will be when we come back. I am sure everyone gets busy when they are responsible and when they have so many things to settle in life. But we have to find time for everything, even to think about those moments you need time. I waved to all of them & saw their last glimpse. The next moment it was all erased, coz i was going after the visa collection & what not at the airport.
By the way to tell u about the journey, it was hardly for 4hrs but it felt like ages. I havent felt that much bored in my life. None to talk to, since all strangers & how can you believe anyone in this world. If you talk to someone or get acquainted you never know that person might turn out to be the most wanted criminal. Thinking of it, i have a friend who was travelling by bus to attend our mutual friend' s marriage. He had a stranger guy sitting next to him & they talked for a while. Next week my friend saw the newspaper & that stranger turned out to be a drug dealer caught by the police. That story was there in the back of my mind, so i was staring into the depths of the sky and the distance. Finally i reached the hot land, thats how i would like to call this place. When i landed the crew said its 44degree celsius, i wanted to go back. The heat would make yourself crazy even during 8'o clock in the night. Thats nt worse, the highest is yet to come. You have to fit an A/C to your body while you go out otherwise you will be fried. I am a person who hates extreme heat & extreme cold. Not because i wanted to love it, but my body hates it. I hope i can adjust to it.
Its been one month since i landed here. And havent even started job search. You might think i am a lazy goose. Indeed i am, but this time its not my fault. Can you believe we havent got interenet connection till now. How can i apply for jobs? You tell me. Its true that i am nt going out & searching. Thats like not knocking the door & telling them that you are coming. Who would accept it, i always wonder maybe lucky ones or high profile geniuses might get through like that. I think its worth to take rest now & then search for jobs having been worked for almost 5yrs without any break. Dont you think that is sensible? Who knows what might be awaiting you. I am giving a shot of wait and watch theory. We will see how far i will succeed. Without a job you cant sustain here with the expenses increasing & moreover i want to help paying off our debts.
Leaving those things behind, on a personal front i have been thinking different lately. Like giving importance to the family, my strength & my weaknesses & i am trying to improve on almost everything which i feel negative. I wonder if people get time to think about these things. But to tell you, its really nice to know yourself better & that will help you find a balance in your life. Hope you all will try it too, it wont cost anything. Just think & smile of what you have done.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Feeling REJECTED
Don’t know why I am feeling so sad. May be because I think I am not getting enough time with my dear. I am so frustrated & the thought of his absence is making me feel really bad. I know, my mood swings every now & then. Sometimes I feel I am not normal. I do enjoy normal & silly things in life. But when I am not being cared for or when I am not even in the picture, I guess that’s when I feel dejected.
From childhood I have built a place for myself because nobody was extra caring or that attached to me except my mom. And when I met my dear, I got one more caring & loveable person in my life. But when I don’t get the attention, I go crazy. I know it’s not their fault. They have to give attention to all. But since I am brought up in a bad way of life I feel rejected when I am not taken care of. Maybe it’s all in the minds & I am mad. There is nothing impossible right. So I think this is just temporary but the feeling has been going on for few hours & I am not able to curb it. Is there anyway?
Suddenly I thought probably I should go out alone. That should help. You can be yourself & you don’t have to act in front of others or give 100’s of explanation as to why you are not doing this or that. So I decided to go on but where am I going..?? Is there anyplace where I will get the solitude I want? I really don’t know. One thing is because I live in a place where there are fewer options. No malls, No multiplexes & in fact there is nothing I would say. But there is one thing BEACH, since its noon & if I go at this time & sit there, people will think I am really mad. Not that I care what others say, but I should take care of myself, I mean my complexion..:-) There is nothing to laugh about it; coz even guys are health conscious. I would say I am less conscious about myself & I think I should change that. Better late than never..!!!
From childhood I have built a place for myself because nobody was extra caring or that attached to me except my mom. And when I met my dear, I got one more caring & loveable person in my life. But when I don’t get the attention, I go crazy. I know it’s not their fault. They have to give attention to all. But since I am brought up in a bad way of life I feel rejected when I am not taken care of. Maybe it’s all in the minds & I am mad. There is nothing impossible right. So I think this is just temporary but the feeling has been going on for few hours & I am not able to curb it. Is there anyway?
Suddenly I thought probably I should go out alone. That should help. You can be yourself & you don’t have to act in front of others or give 100’s of explanation as to why you are not doing this or that. So I decided to go on but where am I going..?? Is there anyplace where I will get the solitude I want? I really don’t know. One thing is because I live in a place where there are fewer options. No malls, No multiplexes & in fact there is nothing I would say. But there is one thing BEACH, since its noon & if I go at this time & sit there, people will think I am really mad. Not that I care what others say, but I should take care of myself, I mean my complexion..:-) There is nothing to laugh about it; coz even guys are health conscious. I would say I am less conscious about myself & I think I should change that. Better late than never..!!!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
THE BEACH RETREAT
For me water is an important thing in daily life. And when you talk about water, how can I forget the sea & the swimming pool. I have been addicted to sea & the water from the day I started seeing it. I love being in the sea shore, playing in the beach, exploring the unexplored & even looking at the sea itself makes me so content.
I make my family complete, I understood lately. Rarely do we go for a trip in our family. When I started earning, I took the initiative of going out with my cousins even if it’s a small beach trip. So I know they miss me for that little treat. But I never miss the opportunity to go beyond the lands. Be it office outing or family outing, I will be there.
Family outing is always tension free because you have to deal with the persons you know completely with their positives & flaws. But when you go from office for an outing its entirely different. You have to accept people as they are or else your day will be gone. I like to go into the depths of the sea & playing with the high waves & the rip tides. Its an awesome experience. The rough sea is always a wonder to me, it will push you into the depths of the sea, but still I like it more than the peaceful sea. The waves will make you summersault & end of the day you will feel you are a master of gymnastic.
Ever thought what will happen if the sea takes you in. I don’t even want to think about it, because I know that will be the end of it. I have seen people suffer if they are under water for even a split second. They think it’s the end of their life. But I would say they are not courageous enough to face the life or the reality. I can’t blame them because even for that split second they will be thinking about what will happen to their kids or family without them. I don’t think about it because I am scared & I try not to think about it.
Besides the wonder there is a mystery to the sea which makes it different from other creatures which God has created. And that mystery makes it evergreen & lively. I have been trying to learn swimming from a long time. And I only get a chance during the outings & that’s not enough for you to become a swimmer. I can’t blame myself either. The last few outings taught me how to float & that’s the beginning of swimming as told by my guru or guru’s. The feeling of floating itself makes me so happy which makes me think how happy I will be after learning to swim.
And the one thing I missed during the last outing is my best friend. I tried not to think about her absence but the more I tried enjoying the more I missed her presence. I hope this will be the last outing without her. And I am planning to meet her shortly that means I will have to quit what I have now…J
I make my family complete, I understood lately. Rarely do we go for a trip in our family. When I started earning, I took the initiative of going out with my cousins even if it’s a small beach trip. So I know they miss me for that little treat. But I never miss the opportunity to go beyond the lands. Be it office outing or family outing, I will be there.
Family outing is always tension free because you have to deal with the persons you know completely with their positives & flaws. But when you go from office for an outing its entirely different. You have to accept people as they are or else your day will be gone. I like to go into the depths of the sea & playing with the high waves & the rip tides. Its an awesome experience. The rough sea is always a wonder to me, it will push you into the depths of the sea, but still I like it more than the peaceful sea. The waves will make you summersault & end of the day you will feel you are a master of gymnastic.
Ever thought what will happen if the sea takes you in. I don’t even want to think about it, because I know that will be the end of it. I have seen people suffer if they are under water for even a split second. They think it’s the end of their life. But I would say they are not courageous enough to face the life or the reality. I can’t blame them because even for that split second they will be thinking about what will happen to their kids or family without them. I don’t think about it because I am scared & I try not to think about it.
Besides the wonder there is a mystery to the sea which makes it different from other creatures which God has created. And that mystery makes it evergreen & lively. I have been trying to learn swimming from a long time. And I only get a chance during the outings & that’s not enough for you to become a swimmer. I can’t blame myself either. The last few outings taught me how to float & that’s the beginning of swimming as told by my guru or guru’s. The feeling of floating itself makes me so happy which makes me think how happy I will be after learning to swim.
And the one thing I missed during the last outing is my best friend. I tried not to think about her absence but the more I tried enjoying the more I missed her presence. I hope this will be the last outing without her. And I am planning to meet her shortly that means I will have to quit what I have now…J
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Evening Glory
It started with a pain inside me and then i realised yesterday night that my soul is burning. You would be wondering why all of a sudden when things were going smoothly..?? I understood that the source of everything is inside me. I tried to pacify myself saying that its me...Then i had a lengthy conversation with my best buddy who made me realise that nobody is happy in this world. You get job, money & every material thing you wish, but you will be still unhappy with something or the other. That's life i guess. My soul cried out loudly asif its still unhappy after hearing all these. When you hear soothing words you will be happy say for a few days or for some it would be few seconds. Same with me, like a normal human being i will be happy for 2-3 days & then back to the old self of burning my soul.
I decided i should stop killing my soul. Or else i will bury myself with the unwanted thoughts. I can’t correct anyone or nobody can. They realise through their deeds & experiences. The morning after that tearful night went not so smooth. Watching TV & surfing made me busy till afternoon. Then went out to a new place to have food. Not so appealing but the ambience was good.
Then my Burning soul wandered through the city in the evening...I mean after a long time we got into a bus & went to get some peace. You might be thinking where did i go to get peace. You cant buy peace, it lies within us. We went to our favourite Kutti Ganu temple & as usual ganu was looking cute. One thing i lack is concentration. I was praying but my soul was wandering through the depths of nothingness. Still i felt happy. I decided to forgive, forgiveness is one of the virtues after patience. Then my journey towards happiness triggered again.
We walked through the streets & felt the night city. I was in high spirits & walked through the city with one decision in mind. Forgive, forgive & forgive. Thirst made us stop & we had lime juice since we had minimal finance. After the tiresome walk we got into another bus & reached home. The past made me feel uncomfortable or say unhappy but I am happy now that I have forgiven everyone for everything. And I forgot to tell you something the characters who hovered through the city are my best buddy, friend, brother & The Burning Soul (who is happy…!!!).
I decided i should stop killing my soul. Or else i will bury myself with the unwanted thoughts. I can’t correct anyone or nobody can. They realise through their deeds & experiences. The morning after that tearful night went not so smooth. Watching TV & surfing made me busy till afternoon. Then went out to a new place to have food. Not so appealing but the ambience was good.
Then my Burning soul wandered through the city in the evening...I mean after a long time we got into a bus & went to get some peace. You might be thinking where did i go to get peace. You cant buy peace, it lies within us. We went to our favourite Kutti Ganu temple & as usual ganu was looking cute. One thing i lack is concentration. I was praying but my soul was wandering through the depths of nothingness. Still i felt happy. I decided to forgive, forgiveness is one of the virtues after patience. Then my journey towards happiness triggered again.
We walked through the streets & felt the night city. I was in high spirits & walked through the city with one decision in mind. Forgive, forgive & forgive. Thirst made us stop & we had lime juice since we had minimal finance. After the tiresome walk we got into another bus & reached home. The past made me feel uncomfortable or say unhappy but I am happy now that I have forgiven everyone for everything. And I forgot to tell you something the characters who hovered through the city are my best buddy, friend, brother & The Burning Soul (who is happy…!!!).
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